Dress Code

Kim du Toit
May 7, 2008
8:00 AM CDT

Via Reader John C, I read Lawdog’s recommendations for “court” guns and “BBQ” guns.

Now, a BBQ gun is a whole different animal. A BBQ gun is what you wear to barbeques, baby christenings, formal balls, and any other place where a fancy jacket or outfit would be worn.

Get your paws on a revolver. Smith & Wesson or Colt would be best, although I understand that Brazilian products are becoming accepted. Polished stainless at a minimum, and full-blown nickle is a better. And pony up for full engraving. Have the trigger, hammer, screws and ejection rod anodized blue, gold, or colour-case-hardened for the traditionalists.

Now, look in the mirror. Is your mustache over 50% grey? If so, go for pearl grips. 49% or less on the grey-meter, and you’d best stick with ivory. If you go for mother-of-pearl, have it carved or inlaid. Steer heads are a classic pattern, although badges and stars are always safe.

If you go the ivory option, have the ivory inlaid or scrimshawed. Floral patterns involving roses and the Texas flag are good, as well as the state of Texas, a tasteful rendition of a young lady, or long horn cattle. Any scene from the battle of the Alamo is a surefire crowd pleaser. For those souls living outside the Great State of Texas, the flag raising at Mt. Suribachi may be substituted for an Alamo scene, and anything involving Marines is acceptable engraving material.

Well, that’s a distinctly Texas take on the matter, of course. I am a man who never wears a “fancy” jacket or outfit, and I eschew fancy engraving and shiny grips—in fact, I run from them as fast as I can. So my take on a decent BBQ gun is likely different to Lawdog’s.

My ideal BBQ gun would be something old, but in perfect condition, with little (and discreet withal) ornamentation, if any. That goes for gun, leather and clothing. And I’d far prefer something in blue steel (to go along with the “discreet” motif) to some shiny thing.

Of course, I’m not a native Texan (although I got here as fast as I could), so I would feel silly if dressed up all gaudy like that. Hell, a string tie makes me nervous.

However, where Lawdog and I part company forever is on this:

I understand that Brazilian products are becoming accepted.

I’m sorry, but that’s taking informality just a little too far. I mean, what’s the point of having standards if you’re just going to relax them for the riff-raff?

In order: Colt, S&W and, in a distant third place, Ruger. That’s it. If you can’t find something decent in those three marques, there’s something wrong with you.

At least he had the good sense to forego nylon and Kydex holsters. And this sentiment alone is worthy of a round of applause:

Around here, everyone has gone to polymer framed pistols, and I’m here to tell you, ain’t no way this side of the Styx than you can turn a Glock into a court gun.

Talk about gauche. Next thing, some guy will be showing up at a BBQ with a mother-of-pearl-gripped, engraved HK.

I would expect that rascal to be shown the door: politely, of course.